


The Most Important Thing I've Ever Told You

by maria_j_harper



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: It's been too long since I read the books so sorry if they're a little out of character, M/M, confession of feelings, pure fluff, semi-cannon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 15:30:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13484442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maria_j_harper/pseuds/maria_j_harper
Summary: Sirius escapes Azkaban a different man. When he finds out Remus is at Hogwarts, he goes to fulfill the promise he made to himself that's helped him get this far.





	The Most Important Thing I've Ever Told You

Professor Remus Lupin was standing in front of his desk, sorting items that had accrued into a clutter there onto various shelves of his classroom. He was so focused on this that while he detected the faint smell of dog, heard the sound of footsteps as they approached and then stopped in his doorway, he didn’t pay them any particular attention, not until a hoarse voice croaked “Moony?”

He dropped the papers he had been holding, as his whole body jerked in reaction.

Sirius Black was gaunt, though he had a bit more life and color to him than his wanted posters thanks to his new freedom. His beard was dark and messy, his hair longer than it had been in school and greasier and matted besides, and he was standing in the doorway looking like he was seeing a ghost of someone he used to know.

Remus rather imagined he must look the same. He stared for a long moment, and took a single, shaky step forward. “Padfoot, what are you doing here? It isn’t safe.”

Sirius stumbled forward, like someone still not quite used to using their legs. He moved closer than Remus normally allowed people, close enough to reach out and touch him, and he almost did. His hand moved towards Remus’s face, but stopped a mere inch from touching him. His fingers trembled. “I- You- You don’t believe it do you? You know, you know I’d never betray James, don’t you?” his breath smelled terrible.

Remus almost swayed on the spot, feeling as if the whole world were spinning out of balance. He placed a hand on Sirius’s elbow, and then suddenly his old friend’s arms were around him, almost too tight, and his nose was buried in Sirius’s scent. He didn’t smell like bad cologne or cigarettes anymore, except maybe just a little hint of tobacco buried down deep, but now he had the smell of moss and dirt and sweat, and then under that the old familiar smell of dog and warm skin and something that was distinctively him. Remus drank it in, drank in the tight grip of Sirius’s arms around him. Merlin, how long had it been since Sirius had hugged him like this? Lily and James’s wedding? He falteringly realized he should probably hug him back, and did so gently, careful of likely weak points. Sirius smelled of blood and fear as well now, the length of his time in Azkaban probably meant he would never stop smelling of it.

“Of course-” his voice came out rough and broken, and he cleared his throat softly. “Of course I don’t believe it. I never knew enough to do anything, but I do know _you_. Padfoot, I’m so sorry…” His eyes stung, and he buried his face in Sirius’s shoulder.They held each other, just held each other for another long moment. Neither wanted to pull away, but eventually Remus stepped back. He kept a hand on Sirius’s arm though. “What are you doing here?” he repeated.

“You thought I would break out of prison and not come gloat about it to my oldest friend? What do you take me for?” Sirius gave a weak chuckle, but the broad smile that came to his face stuck there, and Remus felt his knees nearly buckle under the weight of memories of that smile.

“Well if all you wanted to do was boast about your punk credit, I think the wanted posters literally everywhere did the trick. Honestly Padfoot.” Remus managed an only slightly watery rendition of his Sirius-only indulgent smile.

“It’s cred, not credit. Saying ‘punk credit’ makes you sound like an old professor.”

“I am an old professor,” Remus replied, gesturing to the classroom and his own person demonstratively.

Sirius grinned at that, and then he did touch Remus’s face, tracking the smile lines at the corner of his eye with a careful delicateness. “I know, I can see that. You’ve even got the tweed coat for it! Really Remus, tweed?”

“I like tweed, tweed makes me look distinguished,” he said, with as much dignity as he could muster when he was pretty sure his hands were about to tremble themselves right to pieces, with only their contact with Sirius to hold them in place.

“Yes, and the spectacles too. You’re certainly the sort of teacher I wouldn’t have minded seeing after class.” Sirius gave him one of his signature rakish winks, and something about it made Remus’s breath catch in his throat and heat rush to his cheeks like he was bloody sixteen again.

“Would you like something to eat? We could go to the kitchen. I can disguise you so you won’t be seen, and perhaps you can tell me what did happen, the night the Potters died.”

Remus smiled to see Sirius’s eyes go wide with excitement at the mention of food. _This is why your patronus is a dog,_ he thought fondly, but then Sirius shook his head. “In a bit. I have to tell you something else first. I promised myself years ago that I would do it the second I was out, so really I’ve been putting it off enough already.”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “Alright, if it has to come before food I guess it must be pretty important. I’m listening.”

“It is. It’s probably the most important thing I’ve ever said to you.” There was something odd about Sirius’s stance. He stood like he was looking over the edge of a cliff, carefully bracing his weight in the opposite direction even as he sought ways to get closer without risking falling.

“The last time you said that, I had to listen to you going on about the latest album of one of your muggle rock bands for nearly an hour,” Remus couldn’t resist teasing with a roll of his eyes.

“Yes, well I meant to tell you this then, only I lost my nerve.”

The intensity of Sirius’s gaze made Remus realize just how very close they were, Sirius’s fingers were still stroking his face gently, he still had a death-grip on Sirius’s arm. He wasn’t even a little tempted to back away, not even in the face of whatever it was that could make Sirius, the most reckless of them all, lose his nerve. “Alright,” he prompted, though his throat was suddenly dry and it took a couple tries to get the word out.

Sirius’s hands shifted, taking Remus by the shoulders. “Moony,” His voice broke, and he let it. “I don’t know how many times it almost broke me. I was so close to going insane, or dying, or just losing my soul completely. But every time I was on the edge, I gritted my teeth and I said to myself, I said, ‘now listen here Padfoot, somewhere out there is a very lonely werewolf named Remus, and he doesn’t make new friends very easily, and you’re the only one he’s got left. So you’re going to hold on, and you’re going to get back to him whole.’ And I did. I did, Moony.”

His hands were shaking and gripping Remus’s shoulders a little too tight, they were probably going to bruise, but that barely even registered at the moment. Remus stared into Sirius’s eyes, trying to find the heart of what he was saying. “I’m glad you did. Is that it?”

Sirius laughed, ducking his head so that his forehead rested on Remus’s shoulder. “No, you utter pedant, listen to me. I counted the days carefully, so, so carefully Moony, just so I could make sure to transform at the full moon so you wouldn’t be alone. Because I promised you’d never have to be, remember? And even though everything else in my life had gone to hell, James dead, Pettigrew a traitor, my family still shite, even though I had every right to drown to death in misery in that place, my memories of you… here, look.”

He took a few steps back then, and Remus had to lean heavily back on his desk, practically sat on it really. Some small part of him wanted to repeat back “Pettigrew?” but he decided to let it wait. Sirius gave him a small smile, and then held out his hand, wandless. “ _Expecto patronum_.” A dog, solid and silver and shining formed out of light that spilled from his palm. The dog immediately saw Remus and woofed happily, leaping up on him to cover his face in kisses that fortunately weren’t as slobbery as they would have been, were the dog real. Remus laughed despite himself, and pet the dog behind the ears. Ears that had been floppy, the last that he remembered, but were now perky and set back a bit. In fact, several noticeable traits, as well as a dozen smaller details that he couldn’t have put a real name to, had changed. Sirius’s patronus was still a dog, but compared to before, it was almost eerily… wolf-like.Then Sirius clicked his fingers and the patronus heeled back to his master, tail still wagging

“You said you tried to tell me this before, but you hadn’t been to Azkaban yet then. Sirius, please just say what you mean,” Remus said, tone a little exasperated, voice still hoarse. “Honestly, this is worse than that time James cursed you to speak in nothing but song lyrics, and then you kept it up for a fucking week, even though he dispelled it after the first day.”

Sirius smiled nostalgically. “You can’t tell me that wasn’t both funny and impressive. I know you were impressed. Ophelia Embersnick was impressed.”

Remus snorted derisively, but ignored that diversion in favor of further pursuing the initial conversation. “You were going to tell me something important.”

Sirius gave an exasperated groan. “You’re really going to make me spell it out? Of course you are, you detail-oriented git. Are you going to write this down too? Merlin and Aradia both, man, I can’t decide if you should have been in Ravenclaw, or as far from Ravenclaw as possible.”

Remus shrugged. “I’d say I wound up where I was supposed to be. And if your information needs writing down so I can remember it, then yes, absolutely.” He knew he was being deliberately obtuse, and he knew he was provoking Sirius, but he had to be sure. It wasn’t enough for him to act on allusions and hints and maybes, he had to know.

There was a blur of movement, and the next thing Remus thought was _damn beard isn’t too gentle on the lips, is it?_ Not that he could find it in him to care overly much. He gasped when Sirius pulled away, sure that the blush from earlier had returned with a vengeance. “Write that down then, why don’t you?” Sirius growled, voice rough from more than just disuse, and Remus shivered.

“I think I’ll remember it just fine without,” Remus replied breathlessly. He leaned forward- well really he tipped forward- the bodyweight he’d rested against the desk transferring forward onto Sirius’s frame. His lips found Sirius’s for a second time, and Sirius made a small, surprised noise in the back of his throat that made him grow bolder, dart his tongue out and taste Sirius’s lower lip. It tasted more or less like Sirius smelled, like the heaven of familiarity and love.

The kiss went on for several more hungry, careful moments, and it was Sirius who pulled back this time. His eyes trailed intently over every line of Remus’s face, lips parted like there was something he was on the verge of saying, but couldn’t quite remember how talking worked.

Remus shifted a little uncomfortably under his gaze, suddenly conscious of how much he had changed over the years. There was strands of white hair at his temples, for crying out loud, and he didn’t normally put a lot of thought into his appearances, but he knew he wasn’t… wasn’t Sirius’s usual type. Sirius’s usual type was people who were as gorgeous and charismatic as he was, not specky, scrawny old men like him. And it was easy, when someone was away, to paint an idealized version of them in your head. Here and now and in the flesh, how could he possibly dream of holding up against the Remus Lupin who had kept Sirius alive all these years? He couldn’t.

Just then, as though reading his thoughts, Sirius’s fingers once again went to Remus’s face, right back to his smile lines. “You’re really you, aren’t you? I dreamed about you sometimes. Once or twice I thought maybe I’d dreamed you from the start. But this, these…” he traced the smile lines. “It’s so much better than anything I could have dreamed, Moony.”

“Tell me this straight, Sirius Black,” Remus said, using his whole name so he knew he meant it. “Are you planning on crying any time soon? Because I reckon only one of us should be a bawling mess at a time, and I’m just wondering if I can go first or not.”

That made Sirius wrap him in another tight hug, rest their foreheads together, and laugh. He laughed too much, dissolving into further hysterical bouts if Remus so much as raised an eyebrow at him. Well he likely hadn’t laughed since going to Azkaban, and he had a lot of laughter to make up for, Remus figured. He smiled a Sirius-only indulgent smile that was much stronger than his last one had been, and waited for the laughter to die down.

“You tell me this straight, Remus Lupin,” Sirius finally said, tone a mocking facsimile of Remus’s. “Where did you ever find a stick even bigger than the one you had in school to have up your arse?”

“I didn’t. I think the old one just keeps growing,” Remus replied, face as straight as he could manage. It didn’t last long, and he let out a bit of laughter of his own. Sirius smiled at him, soft and soppy, and it was Remus’s turn to check the evidence of his senses to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. He surreptitiously pinched himself, and when that did nothing, he allowed himself to start to believe this enough to say, “I wanted to do that since third year, I think. Although it maybe took me a bit to figure it out… so I only really started pining around fifth year.”

“Is that why you were avoiding me all the time for the first month or so?”

“I wasn’t avoiding you, I was avoiding you and your _girlfriends_.” Remus hadn’t meant for so much hurt to come through in his voice, but then he hadn’t even realized that much hurt was even still there. It snuck up on him.

Sirius gave a soft, embarrassed chuckle. “Yeah, I was an idiot. And then sixth year came along and you and that growth spurt of yours came along and hit me like a ton of bricks, and I realized I’d been in love with you since probably our tenth day of knowing each other and I just hadn’t realized it.”

“So what about… all those people you saw in sixth year then?”

Sirius put his shoulders up defensively. “I was a confused kid, and you just laughed it off whenever I tried to flirt with you, so I figured you weren’t interested. I didn’t want to deal with that, so I threw myself into other relationships and pretended it was fine.”

“I thought you were joking! You say things all the time to everyone, how was I supposed to know you meant them?” Remus had a sudden flashback of all the things Sirius had said to him in sixth year. _Don’t worry about them,_ he had said of a group of Ravenclaw girls who had made fun of Remus’s jacket, _they’re just jealous because you’re more gorgeous than they could hope to be._ And when Lily and James had ignored the complaints of trauma when they snogged in front of the group, _If you can’t beat them, join them I say. Hey Moony, want to see how far I can get my tongue down your throat?_ And when Peter had accused them of bickering like an old married couple, Sirius taking his hand, _I’ve been thinking of a may wedding, somewhere warm. None of you are invited, you’d only embarrass us._

“Like I said, dumb, confused, kid. But I’ve had nothing but time to think about it since, so will you believe me now when I say it?”

“Say what?”

“Not this again! Fine, that I love you, you specky git, and not in a summertime fling sort of way. I love you in a big way, a forever way, a way that used to scare me until it was the only thing holding me together, and I’m not going to stop until the day I die. I’d do absolutely anything for you, in case you’ve forgotten, and I want nothing more than to get to know the man you’ve become while I was gone, because I’m certain that I’m going to love every new thing about you too. I know I’m not… I’m a wanted criminal and a fugitive and a runaway Black and I listen to muggle rock music too loudly, and I always eat all of the food, but-”

Remus cut him off, putting his fingers gently to Sirius’s lips. “I turn into a homicidal monster three days of the month. And… just so you know... I know how many times it almost broke me. It hasn’t been prison, but it has been life, and it’s almost killed me more times than I’d like, and. You got me through it, too. You kept me alive and sane too, my Padfoot.” He smiled gently, and his smile deepened when Sirius’s eyes went bright.

“Your Padfoot? I rather like that.”

“So do I.”

Some time later, when Remus finally groused “Alright, get off, or you can be the one to explain the beard burn on my face to the children tomorrow, or at least save it until you’ve brushed your teeth, you great animal!” they just sat together and shared space.

“Hey Moony.”

“Hm?”

“Will you introduce me to my godson? I’ve been looking in on him as a dog, but I’m afraid if I try to meet him as me he’ll believe the presses and hex me.”

Remus gave Sirius a slow smile, liking how much more easily he revealed his insecurities. It used to take at least three drinks to get him talking with that tone, about the things that he was afraid of. “Of course.”

“Fantastic. Um… also, can we go get that food now?”


End file.
